Random thoughts on men/women/worth - LONG

One of the reasons for taking this summer to study biblical manhood and womanhood, and the roles of a husband and wife in marriage is due to my past. I feel that I need to find out all that God has to say on the topic, and then change my way of thinking to conform with the truths of Scripture. I've got quite a ways to go. I need to give you some background before I go any further because it will help you understand some of what I'm going to write about.

I was married before when I was in my early 20's and one thing that has always been in the back of mind was something that my ex husband told me about 23 years ago. He told me that Adam named Eve that because she was evil. He may have been joking, I don't know, but his view of women during those years was that we were inferior to males. His view came from a particular sin he had in his life that was demeaning to women, and one that doesn't see women as persons, but objects instead. He apologized to me a few years ago for how he treated me in the past, and took the blame for my feelings of inferiority, and said I felt that way because of how he treated me. My view of myself was based on how he treated me, rather than who I was in Christ. When we were together I was not saved, so I didn't have the truth to know truth from error about it.

In addition to the above, I read a book on marriage a few years ago that caused much damage to me emotionally. This was before I became reformed, and before I had ever heard of Nouthetic Counseling. It reinforced those feelings of inferiority that I had, and did nothing but make me feel condemned. I read it during a time when everything seemed to be falling apart around me.

I mention the book only because a quote from it came to my mind while I was reading Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood this morning. I'm reading chapter two, and this morning the section I was reading was talking about a husband's role, and how it's a leadership/servanthood role. Here was the question that was asked, it's question number 14 on page 59, and the answer given which caused me to think of the book I mentioned above:

QUESTION:

14. If the husband is to treat his wife as Christ does the church, does that mean he
should govern all the details of her life and that she should clear all her actions with him?

ANSWER:

No. We may not press the analogy between Christ and the husband that far. Unlike Christ, all husbands sin. They are finite and fallible in their wisdom. Not only that, but also, unlike Christ, a husband is not preparing a bride merely for himself, but also for another, namely, Christ. He does not merely act as Christ, he also acts for Christ. At this point he must not be Christ to his wife, lest he be a traitor to Christ. He must lead in such a way that his wife is encouraged to depend on Christ and not on himself. Practically, that rules out belittling supervision and fastidious oversight. Even when acting as Christ, the husband must remember that Christ does not lead the church as His daughter, but as His wife. He is preparing her to be a “fellow-heir,” not a servant girl (Romans 8:17). Any kind of leadership that, in the name of Christlike headship, tends to foster in a wife personal immaturity or spiritual weakness or insecurity through excessive control, picky supervision, or oppressive domination has missed the
point of the analogy in Ephesians 5. Christ does not create that kind of wife.

By reading Martha Peace's book, The Excellent Wife I now understand that a marriage represents Christ and the Church. I am now beginning to understand even more that the husband's role is one of leadership/servanthood. It helped to clear that up for me, as I did have many questions because of people who hold the below view. This is a quote from the book I mentioned above. When I am able to verify the page number that this quote is found on, and that it actually came from that particular book, I might post the name of the book. Here is the quote:

"first know that a husband has authority to tell his wife what to wear, where to go, whom to talk to, how to spend her time, when to speak or not to, even if he is unreasonable and insensitive."

That quote bothers me, and now I know why. It bothers me because it treats the wife as though she is a child, even worse because at least an older child chooses what they wear within boundaries. It bothers me because there is no leadership/servanthood there but rather control and domination.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Ephesians 5:26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,

Ephesians 5:27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Ephesians 5:28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Ephesians 5:29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church,

Ephesians 5:30 because we are members of his body.

Those verses don't sound like control and domination to me.